I was so impressed with Salman Khan and the Khan academy. What an amazing idea to reinvent the way we educate children. So many people have been labelled ‘slow’ or ‘stupid’ simply because they took a little longer on some concepts and weren’t able to go at their own pace.

This type of technology and academy would have been invaluable to me as a home educator.

This is simply brilliant and a must watch if you have any interest in education!

Surround yourself with conscious, positive people – stimulate mindfulness, spirituality and positivity in your working and personal life. Be an inspiration to those around you….

Are you also passionate about raising the consciousness of our community?  We know how difficult it can be to meet like-minded people who are also keen to expand their awareness and invite you to join us.

As you know, there is a worldwide movement of conscious people who are forming a foundation of a new way of being. Enjoy interaction with others who are on the same journey. Share what you know and learn from others. Together we can work towards raising the level of integrity, dignity, fairness and spirituality in our businesses, and working environment.

Network with people where you don’t have to moderate all talk of spirituality, energy, higher consciousness, the law of attraction, synchronicity and all those wonderful things you just love to learn more about!

There is great alchemy in our collective conscious energy!

Membership: There is no joining fee, and no contract. Come and go as you please.

FRIMLEY GREEN, SURREY (Near Guildford / Woking)

Time: 7pm
Every THIRD Friday of the month:
Starting June 15, 2012

Address:

Frimhurst

Guildford Road
Frimley Green
Surrey
GU16 6NU

(Frimhurst is a modernised Victorian Manor House set in seven acres of beautiful Surrey Parkland and belongs to ATD Fourth World Charity.a registered charity working with disadvantaged families.

Fee: Donation towards the use of the lovely venue, all proceeds to ATD Fourth World Charity.

Please bring eats and drink (wine is good too!)  to share – in the spirit of sharing and partaking together.

RSVP Jessica:  jessytherese@hotmail.com
Enquiries: Gayle Joubert
gayle@unlimitedmind.co.uk
07788505053

TWICKENHAM, MIDDLESEX

LoversLights Gallery, Overlooking Twickenham Green

64 The Green, Twickenham, TW2 5AG

Tel 0208 2412940

TIME: 6.30pm

LAST Friday of every month starting 29th June.

Fee: Donation towards refreshments and light meal which will be provided.

RSVP Jessica:  jessytherese@hotmail.com
Enquiries: Janis Haves
janis@loverslights.com
208 241 2940

Picture kindly designed for us by

Many people are afraid of the word ‘hypnosis’ or ‘hypnotherapy’ as it seems to conjure up images of stage hypnotists and people making utter fools of themselves. There is some sort of ‘magic’ attached to the image. Perhaps there is, indeed, some sort of magic but it isn’t the kind you are thinking of. There are practical and logical explanations for what takes place on those stage shows involving the power of the unconscious mind and suggestibility- which really isn’t my place to go into. The type of hypnosis that I practice is for therapy, not for entertainment.

What we can say, with absolute certainty, is that the mind is extremely powerful. When we believe something absolutely, we can often make it happen. It is when doubt or fear set in that the mind starts playing tricks on us.

Hypnotherapy works on the unconscious mind, bringing it into line with what the conscious mind already wants. For example, if a person wants to quit smoking, hypnotherapy will help them to see themselves as a non-smoker, act like a non-smoker and be a non-smoker. However, if that person did not actually want to quit smoking, there is nothing to stop them from walking out of a session (even if they don’t actually feel like a cigarette) and decide to try to smoke anyway. Just as a teenager who has never smoked ‘decides’ to smoke, hates it but continues until he or she does actually like it!

Somebody once said to me “yes, that is exactly what it was like! I hated those first few cigarettes after hypnotherapy, but I didn’t want to quit so I pushed through!”

My official therapy website is at hypnosurrey.co.uk, where you will find much more information regarding the various therapies that I practice, including more about hypnosis and hypnotherapy.

I am going to let Jessica speak for herself, so have asked her to write her story.  In the meantime, here are some before and after photographs which she has given me permission to share
She has done so well!!

Before pics:

Jess posing with bottles of water after losing over five stone – the bottles of water weighs the exact amount of weight she had lost up to this point.

More of Jess now, looking amazing!

When you hear the word “hypnosis”, you might think of stage hypnotists and cheesy movies, but in fact hypnosis has been used for years for deep inner healing. There are many different types of ‘trance’, which is the altered state of mind required for hypnosis. Every day most people find themselves in a trance state – daydreaming, irrational fears or anger, glued to the television, driving on ‘automatic’ – to name a few examples. In fact, as a practicing counsellor and hypnotherapist, my job is not so much to hypnotise people, but to de-hypnotise them! The most effective hypnotists in life are the ones you didn’t know were hypnotising you – and usually they didn’t know either! Who are they? Parents, teachers, leaders, film makers, and, of course, advertisers! Think about the following scenario: A four year old child is carrying a glass of juice across the room. Mum notices and says loudly “don’t spill that!” Instantly the child focuses on the glass, stumbles and juice goes everywhere. Mum explodes with some choice words of admonishment and the child bursts into tears. This is a classic example of hypnosis. The authoritative voice (mum), creates and utilizes an altered state (trance) through indirect suggestion (“don’t spill”), and follows up with a direct post-hypnotic suggestion (“you are an idiot! You never learn”). It is post-hypnotic because, if the child accepts the suggestion, he or she will always see themselves as an idiot who doesn’t learn. You may wonder why the command “don’t spill” is an indirect suggestion. Let me illustrate by having you try a little experiment. For the next few seconds do not think about your breathing. Don’t think about whether you are breathing up high in your chest, or down low in your abdomen or whether you are taking deep or shallow breaths. Okay .. be honest. Did you start thinking about your breathing, if only for a moment? Oh dear! You see, in order to *not* think about something, your brain first has to represent it in your mind, and then try to somehow erase the image. The subconscious mind does not process the negation. Notice how different it might have been had the mum said “That’s right, love, be careful.” Of course, this is only one type of trance. Stage hypnotists utilises many different psychological tricks, and everybody concerned knows that the entire act is for purely entertainment purposes. Hypnotherapy, on the other hand, is always for the positive healing or growth of the client. Very few people are able to go into a deep somnambulistic state (where they appear to be in a coma and don’t remember the proceedings). There are also different types of ‘inductions’ (the method for putting a person into trance). Some are fast – mostly the type used by stage hypnotists, or sometimes by hypnotherapists where it is useful. Mostly, though, the slow ‘relaxotherapy’ method is used, as it allows the client to feel fully in control and really enjoy flowing with the process. Most therapy only requires a light trance state where the conscious mind is fully aware of what is going on and the client is fully in control. Some people believe that they cannot be hypnotised – and if you reject the suggestions, then that is absolutely true! However we don’t realise that in many ways we are hypnotised every day – as I mentioned before – when we just obey suggestions without even thinking about it! Most people know that hypnotherapy is used to help people to stop smoking, or for past life regression, but don’t realise that it is incredibly effective for many more issues such as depression, anger management, pain, weight loss, insomnia, addiction, stress relief, anxiety, panic attacks, fears and phobias, confidence and self-esteem, exam nerves and many others too numerous to mention. It can even help you to increase your concentration and learn more easily! The subconscious mind is extremely powerful, and hypnotherapy helps us to access that power with the full co-operation of your conscious mind. Have you ever wanted to do something but there just seemed to be a ‘block’ that stopped you? Or have you ever wanted to *stop* doing something and seemed unable to control the habit? Of course you have – we are all victims of our pre-conditioning. Hypnotherapy helps you to undo these unhelpful behaviour patterns. Sometimes standard suggestion therapy is sufficient – as for smoking (barring any deep seated reasons for not quitting) and pain management. This is the type of therapy most hypnotherapists are trained to do. A good hypnotherapist, though, will be able to find the triggers and anchors that cause various behaviours or thought patterns, and then help you to process them positively.     contact Gayle for hypnotherapy or to learn self-hypnosis in Surrey

Hypnotherapy and EFT can help you to quit smoking easily…

Most smokers who want to quit consciously know all the reasons for giving up smoking, and may even have a smoking related illness, but something keeps telling them that smoking is fine or that they can give up ‘later’.

Unconsciously they have conditioned themselves to enjoy smoking, even though, if they had never smoked before and suddenly tried to puff on a cigarette, they would absolutely hate it! The conditioning comes from the unconscious part of the mind, which has been ‘programmed’ at the first experience of smoking when the conscious mind began to believe that there was some kind of benefit to be received from smoking. Perhaps being part of the ‘in’ crowd.  Your conscious mind may even be realising that the ‘in’ crowd these days are the non-smokers and that there is nothing about smoking that your body enjoys.

The sub-conscious mind, however, is still working on old programmes and physiological impressions – and unfortunately those are usually stronger than the conscious will.  You may actually believe that  you do enjoy it. Perhaps you think it relaxes you, when in fact, it has been proved over and over again that smoking increases your stress levels! It is probably only the inhaling (deep, slow breathing), the ‘time-out’, and having something to do with your hands, that give the impression of relieving tension. You may not know why you enjoy it – it may be ‘time out’ or you may unconsciously feel that the cigarette is your only true friend!

By using a trance state where the sub-conscious mind is fully involved in the process, we can re-frame the habit, at a deep level, changing those earlier beliefs and conditionings with logical and true information about the smoking habit. We replace the stinky stuff with a desire for well-being and provide you with immediate rewards. Smokers who manage to quit by will-power alone, (and many do, to their credit!) sometimes get cranky or put on weight as they replace the habit with something else or feel they are being deprived in some way. Often they start smoking again as soon as they find themselves in a stressful situation, or believe that they can have ‘just one’. They haven’t become non-smokers, they have become smokers who have ‘given up’ … and there is a difference. A non-smoker simply doesn’t ever even think of smoking. A smoker does think about smoking –  even one who has ‘given up’. There is really a tiny “…for now” attached to their giving up.

The reason hypnotherapy for quitting smoking is so successful is because you receive immediate rewards for your efforts; you feel an intense sense of pride and satisfaction; you receive an instant boost to your willpower and gain a huge amount of confidence in your ability to remain a non smoker. Situations that used to make you feel stressed or anxious now just relax you.

Remember, hypnotherapy cannot make you do anything you don’t *want* to do! It is essential that the client’s conscious mind is in agreement with the therapy, otherwise he or she will simply exercise his right to choose and either continue smoking, or start again, instead of choosing to remain a non-smoker! Therefore, we always make sure that clients really are ready to quit. However, wanting to quit and being able to are not always the same thing!

As an ex-smoker myself, I can sympathise with the person who wants to quit on a conscious level, but feels they are fighting something that is beyond their control or understanding. Despite all their attempts they find themselves lighting up again – “just one last one.” – and again “when I have finished this pack ..” and so it goes. There is no real physical addiction that can be proved – (notice how you can take a twelve hour flight and be quite comfortable with no shakes or withdrawal symptoms, for example). However, the chemicals in cigarettes do affect our brains in various ways, and it is this action that causes us to ‘want more’.

Rather like a choc-o-holic. The chocolate is not, in itself, physically addictive, but the brief rise in blood sugar gives the impression of feeling good – until the blood sugar goes even lower than it was to start with, and, pop! In goes another choccie (or sandwich, or sugary coffee, or whatever) to get the blood sugar up again. All this is done at a subconscious level, so there seems to be no logical reason for you lighting up another fag, when you know you don’t enjoy it anyway! The whole process just seems to be one big frustration as you battle to take control.

A couple of years ago the largest study ever conducted into stopping smoking was undertaken (in the U.S.A.) It studied everything from will power, nicotine patches, positive thinking, placebos, chewing gum etc – and the conclusion was that ” Hypnosis came out as the most effective anti-smoking technique.” With the powerful Smoking Cessation techniques that I use, 95% of smokers find it easy to quit – in just one session. The occasional second session is required, and this is offered free.

Most new clients are recommended by previous clients, who often have friends commenting that they seem to exude a feeling of well-being! Ask yourself this: if you received a fantastic sense of well-being, calmness, pride and satisfaction every time you got yourself in a situation where you used to have a cigarette, you would want to remain a non-smoker, wouldn’t you?

TO STOP SMOKING USING ONE SESSION OF COMBINED EFT AND HYPNOTHERAPY IN SURREY contact Gayle

ABREACTION – an upsurge of emotion, often related to a negative experience in the client’s past, that releases pent-up feelings and thus provides relief from the earlier trauma. (Psychoanalysis) Psychoanal the release and expression of emotional tension associated with repressed ideas by bringing those ideas into consciousness.

ACTING OUT: This is the process of expressing unconscious emotional conflicts or feelings via actions rather than words. The person is not consciously aware of the meaning or etiology of such acts. Acting out may be harmful or, in controlled situations, therapeutic (e.g., children’s play therapy).

ACTUALISATION: The realization of one’s full potential – intellectual, psychological, physical, etc.

AFFECT: This word is used to described observable behaviour that represents the expression of a subjectively experienced feeling state (emotion). Common examples of affect are sadness, fear, joy, and anger. The normal range of expressed affect varies considerably between different cultures and even within the same culture. Types of affect include: euthymic, irritable, constricted; blunted; flat; inappropriate, and labile.

AFFECT BRIDGE – a technique hypnotherapists use to access a previous instance of a client’s problem by accentuating the disturbing feelings in the present so his current adult resources can be used to resolve the source of the problem.

AFFECTIVE DISORDERS: Refers to disorders of mood.  Examples would include Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymia, Depressive Disorder, N.O.S., Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood, Bipolar Disorder

AGE PROGRESSION – also known as FUTURE PACING means to encourage the hypnotized client to imagine him or herself in the future.

AGE REGRESSION – the hypnotherapist suggests the hypnotized client imagine a particular time or event within their current life.

AGORAPHOBIA: Anxiety typically relates to venturing into the open, of leaving the familiar setting of one’s home, or of being in a crowd, standing in line, or travelling in a car or train. Although agoraphobia usually occurs as a part of panic disorder, agoraphobia without a history of panic disorder has been described as also occurring without other disorders.

ALIENATION: The estrangement felt in a setting one views as foreign, unpredictable, or unacceptable. For example, in depersonalization phenomena, feelings of unreality or strangeness produce a sense of alienation from one’s self or environment.

ANALGESIA – Feeling no pain. The hypnotized client does feel pressure, or tickling.

AMNESIA — forgetting events. People who have a terrific talent for hypnosis may have spontaneous amnesia for the session and others can ask for a post-hypnotic suggestion to forget what has been discussed during hypnosis.

ANIMAL MAGNETISM – Dr Anton Mesmer’s term for what is now known as Mesmerism – the forerunner of today’s hypnotherapy.

AUTO-HYPNOSIS – Hypnotising yourself. Also known as SELF-HYPNOSIS.

AUTO-SUGGESTION – Giving suggestions to yourself. a.k.a. SELF-TALK. These messages are absorbed by the subconscious. Thus, a hypnotic process.

CATALEPSY – Hypnotists sometimes use this as a proof to a client that she is in hypnosis. Her arm, for instance, remains in whatever position the hypnotist puts it.

CLINICAL HYPNOSIS – the therapeutic use of hypnosis (as, for instance, in a clinic!).

COMPOUNDING – Building one suggestion on top of another. Can be used as an induction (“Your right foot is relaxed and as your right foot relaxes your ankle is relaxed and as your foot and ankle relax your calf muscles relax…”) or for post-hypnotic suggestions.

DISSOCIATION — A “splitting off” of the self so as to protect the mind from something undesirable or horrible. Thus a hypnotized client is able (in his imagination) to distance himself from an otherwise disturbing event.

FORENSIC HYPNOSIS – Legal applications of hypnosis.

FRACTIONATION – Rapidly bringing a client in and out of hypnosis during the session either as an induction or to deepen the level of hypnosis.

HYPNOANALYSIS – Psychoanalysis with use of hypnosis to help uncover unconscious material

HYPNOTISM – an earlier word now largely supplanted by the word “hypnosis.”

HYPNOSIS – is a mental state (according to “state theory”) or imaginative role-enactment (according to “non-state theory”).^[1][2][3][4] It is usually induced by a procedure known as a hypnotic induction, which is commonly composed of a long series of preliminary instructions and suggestions.^[5] Hypnotic suggestions may be delivered by a hypnotist in the presence of the subject, or may be self-administered (“self-suggestion” or “autosuggestion”). The use of hypnotism for therapeutic purposes is referred to as “hypnotherapy”, while its use as a form of entertainment for an audience is known as “stage hypnosis”.

The words hypnosis and hypnotism both derive from the term neuro-hypnotism (nervous sleep) coined by the Scottish surgeon James Braid around 1841. Braid based his practice on that developed by Franz Mesmer and his followers (“Mesmerism” or “animal magnetism”), but differed in his theory as to how the procedure worked.

Contrary to a popular misconception—that hypnosis is a form of unconsciousness resembling sleep—contemporary research suggests that hypnotic subjects are fully awake and are focusing attention, with a corresponding decrease in their peripheral awareness.^[6] Subjects also show an increased response to suggestions.^[7] In the first book on the subject, Neurypnology (1843), Braid described “hypnotism” as a state of physical relaxation accompanied and induced by mental concentration (“abstraction”).^{[8] (Definition taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnosis)}

HYPNOTHERAPY – Hypnotising someone and then using psychotherapeutic techniques.

HYPNOTISABILITY – An outmoded term that describes a person’s individual susceptibility to hypnosis. I prefer to refer to a person’s “talent for hypnosis.”

IDEOMOTOR RESPONSE – the involuntary ability of muscles (e.g. fingers) to instantly respond to a thought or feeling.

INDUCTION – the process of guiding someone into hypnosis (most frequently by the use of words but can also be physical).

NEGATIVE HALLUCINATION – When a hypnotized person cannot see what is really there.

POSITIVE HALLUCINATION – When a hypnotized person sees what is NOT really there.

POSTHYPNOTIC SUGGESTION – A suggestion made while a person is in hypnosis to be acted upon after the session.

PYRAMIDING OF SUGGESTIONS – Same as COMPOUNDING SUGGESTIONS.

SELF HYPNOSIS – putting yourself into hypnosis.

SELF-TALK – in behavioral medicine, internal monologues that can have a positive or negative influence upon the individual.

SOMNAMBULISM – in everyday language the term somnambulism is means sleepwalking; but in the field of hypnotism somnambulism refers to the deepest state of hypnosis.

TIME DISTORTION –A characteristic effect of being in hypnosis – the passage of time can be subjectively experienced as longer of shorter than in reality.

TRANCE LOGIC – The ability of someone in hypnosis to temporarily accommodate contrary concepts at the same time.

Hypnotherapy utilises the power of your unconscious mind to reprogramme your behaviour and overcome anxiety.

In a natural and easy ‘trance’ state, the mind powerfully chooses to make beneficial changes. Your thought patterns and the ‘fear’ responses have been conditioned due to previous experiences, usually painful and uncomfortable. In order to ‘recondition’ your thoughts and behaviour, hypnotherapy utilises the focused attention of your powerful imagination and conscious agreement to accept positive suggestions for change.

Our conscious minds are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to brain function. What many call the ‘unconscious mind’ (bearing in mind that this is not a definitive place in the brain but an analogy to higher consciousness), controls all of our bodily functions without our conscious mind being aware of the process. This higher consciousness also contains all our memories, and the way we react to various stimuli.

For example, let’s take a hypothetical subject and call her Mary. For the purpose of our analogy, let’s say that as a child Mary’s parent  had a slightly fearful reaction when finding a spider in the closet. Mary’s young brain figured out, without any conscious effort, that as this spider is a danger, however small, to this god-like adult, then it must be a *huge* danger to her! Mary’s brain, in effect, puts a rule into her subconscious mind “spider = danger!”  Of course the subconscious will always try to protect us, and therefore will seek to avoid this perceived danger. Whatever the mind perceives as ‘real’ IS real to us! It may not be TRUE, but it is our reality!

When Mary is an adult, that programmed response is still there, unchanged. Mary’s subconscious does not respond to a spider with analytical thought. It does not say “Oh, I am bigger now, and so that spider isn’t such a danger to me. Anyway, I now understand that it is much more afraid of me than I am of it, and it can’t harm me at all.” No, her reaction is still “EEEK!” In fact, each time she sees a spider over the years she has stronger and stronger reactions. Each incident builds up and reinforces the  programme: “spider = danger!”  The reaction is purely a conditioned response.

Mary does not challenge that deep-seated belief, and her fear of spiders becomes a full-blown phobia. Now let us say she decides to try  hypnotherapy to deal with this fear.

It may be necessary for the therapist to first access the reason behind the phobia, but very often all that is necessary is to ‘reinstall’ the programme or belief system regarding spiders. Let’s say that this is the case here. While Mary is in a relaxed and focussed state, she may be taken through a desensitising process (usually visualising the feared action while feeling incredibly safe and secure) until she is able to tolerate spiders at an acceptable level. For her that might be simply being able to pick it up on a piece of paper or in a bottle and put it outside. Or she may want to actually be able to hold the spider without fear. The very clear visualising process she goes through during her session reframes her perspective on spiders and she now has a new reaction to them.

Essentially, what has happened is that during this process her subconscious has now ‘seen’ her being calm about spiders and ‘seen’ that they are not a danger to her. Obviously if she was living in an area where there were dangerous spiders this would be taken into account and the process would be appropriate to the real danger, not the perceived danger. For example, she would receive the suggestion that she while certain spiders can be potentially dangerous, she is in control and is the dominant species. She receives and accepts the suggestion that she is perfectly capable and able to deal with the situation without fear. It is important to note that the conscious mind also accepts the suggestion! This may be hard to believe. After all, if you have a phobia you may have been telling yourself to ‘not be afraid’ for years, to no avail! That is because the conscious mind is trying to tell the unconscious response mechanisms something in a left-brained logical way, which is simply not the way the subconscious mind learns!

The imagination is extremely powerful. Even if Mary didn’t try hypnosis, and instead every day visualised herself calmly looking at a spider, or even mentally ‘chatting’ to a spider, after a while her conscious mind would get the message. The message must be given to the brain using the language, of the unconscious, which is right-brained, creative, emotive and often illogical!

After a while of actually experiencing her calmness around spiders, Mary would forget that she ever had a huge fear of spiders, except when she is relating the story at dinner parties.  This type of ‘reframing of beliefs’ is why our clients often state that their new habits seem “easy” and “effortless” after hypnosis.

Other fears and phobias are dealt with in a similar manner. Personally, I always teach a client to use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), and use this in conjunction with Hypnotherapy.

For a personal session to deal with any fears or phobias, using Hypnosis and EFT,  book a session in Surrey now (unfortunately not taking on new clients in Twickenham right now).   Brookwood Station, ten minutes drive from either  Woking, Guildford, Camberley or Farnham. The train from Waterloo in London takes 30 minutes.

Image available here

I received this email from Martin Ucik, author of Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men and decided to post it here because I could not have written it better!

I find it sad that both ‘teachers’ and the general public who lap up this stuff, are so blind to the truth about relationship.  As I say to my clients time and time again : THERE IS NO FAIRY TALE!

Please do enjoy Martin’s article:

Why are so many Relationship Experts Lying?

1. They want/need to make money:
John Gray said in a conversation with Ken Wilber:

“My first book, Men and Women in Relationship was a much more intelligent work than my later Mars and Venus books.  But it was too dense for the mass population, as there are only a few people who have the patience and lifestyle [level of consciousness?] to read a densely written intelligent book.  So I wrote a watered down version which was more fun and easy to digest, had fewer points, and was something that people could apply right away in their [conventional] relationships.  These simpler books, beginning with Men are from Mars Women are from Venus became a pop phenomena with over 40 Million [now over 50 Million, see www.marsvenus.com/john-gray-bio copies sold."] Listen at www.integrallife.com/editorial/resurrecting-postmodern-sex-life.
Another famous author told me that her publisher asked her to eliminate the male perspectives from her writing, as 95% of the companies buyers are women who would not care for, or even be offended by, her taking a balanced view.

2. They don’t live up to their own promises of lasting love, romance and happiness:
The author of Calling In “The One” (which is actually a good book for single women if framed in an Integral context) got divorced a few months ago.  True to her book/course she already called in “The Next One” (working title of her forthcoming book) who makes her really truly happy.  Instead of seeing that her approach is flawed (it focuses solely on an “Upper Left” me, me, me, female perspective) she now offers a “conscious uncoupling” course to her almost exclusive female audience (the first call had over 13.000 participants).  Contrary to her first book, she now states that it is normal for modern and post modern women to go through several significant relationships in their life.  She now discloses that she had agreed with her former husband to only stay together as long as they could support each other in their career/purpose (70% of divorces are initiated by women).
And she is not alone.  The scene is littered with divorced and single (and often childless) love experts and writers.  It is pathetic.

3. They don’t know any better:
Nobody can know what they don’t know about.  Everyone sees the world from their own limited level of consciousness and perspective, including me (oh bummer …).  As Robert Kegan wrote in ”In Over Our Heads”, we are all to an extend in over their heads, especially our love experts.  How else could the number of singles and unhappy couples have risen in the past 40 years while they sold millions of books, seminars and hours of counseling.  Each of them sees, writes, and teaches from their own limited level of first-tier consciousness, or waters it down as John Gray did.  They don’t tell or know that each first-tier level creates its own type of [love] relationships (or the lack thereof), with its unique learning and growth potentials, as well as the accompanying problems that lead to the devastating breakups and divorces (or stagnant flatland relationships) when couples unknowingly grow apart or fall “out of love” and the “expert advice” no longer applies.

4. They are in the business of selling SECRETS (aka Snake Oil):
As Erich Fromm asks in The Art Of Loving, written in 1956, on page 1:
“Is love an art?  Then it requires knowledge and effort.  Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something one falls into if one is lucky?  This little book [129 pages] is based on the former premise, while undoubtedly the majority of people today [again he wrote this in 1956!!!] believe in the latter.”
It has gotten worse since.  Have you noticed that almost every new course or book about relationships has the word “SECRET” in it?  If there is a “secret”, something that is kept from knowledge or view, that we can “buy” (woohoo!!!) to get ahead of everybody else (how loving is that?), then we don’t have to do the work.  Instant gratification… !  And selling secrets can be repeated over and over (see #1), because if the previous secret naturally does not live up to its promise … then surely the next one will.  It is like buying one lottery ticket after the next.  It works… for the seller!

And while I am on my soap box:

Industrial growth versus personal/spiritual growth:
From a Euromonitor Global Market Research Blog:
“The rise in single person households worldwide (202.6 million in 2006, up from 153.5 million in 1996 ) is creating great business opportunities for a range of sectors, including providers of online communications, manufacturers of domestic electrical appliances and consumer electronics, the construction industry, and the entertainment industry.” See http://blog.euromonitor.com/2007/09/one-person-households-opportunities-for-consumer-goods-companies.html.
Do I need to say more???

Politicians:
With almost 50% of the population living alone in the western world, and many liberated single women feeling (rightly so) repressed when it is suggested that they “should” return to conventional and often emotionally and physically abusive  relationships, politicians can’t state the obvious socioeconomic and ecological benefits of healthy long-term relationships and alienate 25% of their potential voters.  And trading economic growth for personal/spiritual growth (which will ultimately solve all socioeconomic and environmental problems) isn’t in the interest of big business, and hence politics (see above).

New-Age Churches and Teachers:
They have become magnets for single people who buy into the business of new-age narcissistic spiritual bypassing and materialism.  If we are, as they try to teach/sell us, whole and complete in ourselves, which is a partial truth, why would we need anyone else for our happiness and well-being?  This idea flies in the face of any objective scientific research and deeper non-dual spiritual understanding about the importance and benefits of healthy relationships.  If it would be true that we are creating our own world, including our suffering and happiness, completely independent of others, which is just plain and painfully wrong (see Gergen Relational Being or Brooks The Social Animal), as all life is a four quadrant affair, why would we need a healthy relationship with a partner?  As one die-hard single Minister at a New-Age Church told the audience in her “Love” workshop that I attended: “The men who come here are not interested in doing the work; they just come here to pick up women.”  There may by a partial truth in this cynical and emasculating remark, but it is just sad, both ways.

Multi Billion Divorce, Dating and Marriage Industry:
This is obvious …

Evolutionaries and Western Spiritual Teachers:
We have to hand it to them when it comes to relationships.  Almost all of them are in long-term marriages and unanimously, from Eckhart Tolle to Adyashanty, Roger Walsh, Alex Grey, Robert Augustus Masters, Michael Beckwith, and Andrew Cohen (to name a few), state in one way or another that “the depth and embodiment of our psychological health and spiritual realization will be seen in the quality of our [love] relationships.  That is where the proof is in the pudding.”  And if you have not done so yet, read Grace and Grit by Ken WiIber, which may well be the greatest true love story ever told.

As Jiddu Krishnamurti summed it up: “It is not a measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” Ouch…

All that said, there are legitimate reasons to end relationships as consciously as possible and to be happily/productively single, and I outline them in Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (page 160 – 162).

What frustrates me to no end is that not more experts are Integrally informed and truthful about the three evolutionary phases that couples could potentially navigate together (or at least make their path and breakups more transparent and painless) to co-create a sustainable future for all humans:

1. Survival and need based co-dependent and dependent relationships that many people are outgrowing, which is a healthy and necessary step towards Integral relationships.
2. The chaos and confusion of developing a healthy (but ultimately illusionary) sense of an independent or autonomous self, with singlehood and the many forms of uncommitted or transitional relationships.
3. The co-creation of sustainable Integral Relationships in which opposite and equal partners with a shared vision balance and harmonize healthy agency, communion, ascending and descending at the level of all seven chakras to serve the highest good for the greatest number of people, instead of me, me, me.

As Andrew Cohen wrote to me this week after taking a look at Integral Relationships:
“I read the pages you suggested and am impressed by your scholarship!  You must be one of the first people in history to put the post modern predicament as it relates to sex and romance on the integral map, and you’ve done an impressive job.  It was clear that your ideas regarding what truly evolved transpersonal relationships would actually look like were somewhat speculative, but what else could they be?  We’re not there yet…”

Many are not there yet;  but we now have enough evidence from people like you and our evolutionary teachers how these sustainable relationships take form, and with Integral Relationships(and thanks to Ken Wilber) we have an accurate map to co-create these relationships now.

1. Share this newsletter with your friends by email and on facebook (go to www.facebook.com/integralrelationship and click on “share”.)
2. Become integrally informed about relationships.
3. Co-Create an Integral Relationship with a compatible partner and become an inspiring role-model for others.
4. Gift Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men to your family, friends and teachers (click here for reviews and here to order at a 50% or higher discount).
5. Invest in our affordable Integral Relationship Weekend Gatherings and Workshops in Los Angeles, Jan. 20-22, 2012 (sign up by Dec. 15th), New York, Mar. 16-17, 2012, and Switzerland/Germany, Mar. 22 through Apr. 3, 2012 (see more and sign up at http://www.integralrelationship.com/events.asp).
6. Start a local discussion and support group (I am happy to provide you with guidelines and to participate via skype, and offer massive book discounts for orders of eight here.)
7. Facilitate a weekend workshop after coming to one of the above events or contact me about facilitating your local event.

Thank you for supporting our vision of “A Sustainable Future for all Humanity, Co-Created by Couples in Sustainable Integral Relationships”

Click here to read previous newsletters.
Check out the blog on http://integrallife.com/member/martin-ucik/blog.
Listen to a conversation with Ken Wilber about Integral Relationships at http://integrallife.com/node/110684 (join Integral Life or use free membership option).

Warm Regards,

Martin Ucik
Author of “Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men”

- An astonishingly complete manual for men based on virtually all the elements of the Integral model, in itself a remarkable feat. And the advice is truly sound. A great book! Ken Wilber, The Integral Vision
- An insightful and powerful application of the Integral Model. Straight forward, refreshing and candid in a landscape littered with cloying fluff. Robb Smith, CEO Integral Institute
- Get this book and pay attention to what it has to say. Prof. Allan Combs
- A very intelligent, original, penetrating, enlightening and well-written analysis of male-female relationships. Michael Morrissey, Ph.D.
- Ladies and gents, please… let’s get the word out! This book is phenomenal…. Susan Hodges, M.A. MFT, Certified Integral Coach etc.

Click here for more reviews.

Web: www.integralrelationship.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/integralrelationship

By Linney Elder

Your worth is not determined by how clever you are, how much money you have, how physically beautiful you are, or how famous you might be. Neither is self-worth the same as self-esteem, which is more an indication of how you “feel” about yourself, for example do you feel you are confident, outgoing, able to express yourself, or do you feel incapable, inadequate, afraid of life?

Your worth cannot be measured. You were born worthy and will remain worthy throughout your life, no matter what you do, or do not, accomplish. You are an eternal, infinite being and a part of all that is in the universe.

Cultivating an attitude of optimism, positive expectation and self-belief will help you increase your sense of self-worth. How you conduct yourself in your day to day life will reflect your sense of self-worth and encourage others to treat you with the same level of respect.

“Self-worth is a consequence of believing that you are worthy”

As you learn to appreciate yourself more fully, you will begin to treat yourself kindly, be less judgmental and more tolerant of yourself. A positive shift will occur in your thinking and as you treat yourself with more respect, you will feel more confident about defining your personal boundaries and voicing your needs.

A direct consequence will be a blossoming of more open, honest and authentic relationships with others. As your relationships improve and more of your needs are met, you may find yourself becoming more accepting, forgiving and understanding of other people as well.

You can easily gauge when you have lost sight of your self-worth, when you experience feelings of depression, insecurity, or a lack of confidence. Do not view these episodes as negative and do not berate yourself, simply accept them as opportunities for inner reflection and personal growth.

“When you look for approval and acceptance from others, you diminish your self-worth in the process”

The more authentically you live your life, the more you will attract people who will add value to your life experiences and with whom you will enjoy a mutually uplifting connection.

Tips for cultivating self-worth:

• Take time out to do things that bring you joy and pleasure.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Be honest in your interactions with others.
• Set clear personal boundaries.
• Learn to love and appreciate yourself.
• Don’t accept people  treating you disrespectfully.
• YOU determine your sense of self-worth, no one else

Affirmations for self-worth:

• I love and appreciate myself completely, as I AM.
• I deserve to be treated with respect.
• I AM an amazing human being.
• I AM a phenomenal human being.
• I AM surrounded by people who treat me well.

Remember – you teach people how to treat you!

Linney Elder is the author of “Infinitely Possible – A Cancer Journey”, a freelance researcher and writer, Reiki Master Teacher, intuitive healer and perennial student of life. Join her on this magical journey of self-discovery – read more insights and related subjects on her website: www.infinitely-possible.com