Love Languages – Do you and your mate speak the same ‘language’?

If you sometimes feel that although you ‘know’ your partner loves you, they don’t seem to show it, then perhaps you are not listening to them in the right ‘language’. Or, if it’s the other way around and you feel you show your partner love, but they say they don’t feel as if you do.. perhaps you aren’t speaking their ‘language’!

All gibberish to you? Read on! According to Gary Chapman, in his book “The 5 Love Languages” there are many different ways in which we ‘feel’ loved or show love. Below is a short summary of these different ‘languages of love’. I have added on a 6th that I have discovered.

It is worth pointing out that we all use ALL of these love languages, and there is no such thing as having only one. However, usually there are one or two that are your *primary* love language.

Let’s look at what they are:

1. Words / Verbal compliments / Words of affirmation

Auditory

“ I Hear that I am loved” (receiving)

“I tell you that I love you” (giving)

Also the written word. Cards, any compliments, encouragement, positive affirmation.

Mark Twain once said “I could live for two months on a good compliment!”

For this person even vaguely negative words will do the exact opposite and do far more harm than you would believe.

2. Acts of Service / effort

Doing

“Your effort shows you love me” (receiving)

“I serve you / do things for you to show I care” (giving)

This is the husband who comes home from work and does the ironing, or the mother who feels she ‘doesn’t care’ if she doesn’t do everything possible in terms of service for her children!

3. Physical touch / hugs

Touch

“I FEEL you love me” (receiving)

“I need to convey my love by touch” (giving)

This is not about sex – it is about showing affection through hugs, loving touches or being ‘close’ physically. It is the first primary love language as babies.

4. Quality Time

Attention / Time

“You love me because you listen to me / are here with me” (receiving)

“I spend time with you because I like you” (giving)

It also involves doing things together. The point here is that in any of these scenarios, there is undivided attention – quality time. If one person is not actually interested or paying attention, the whole thing breaks down no matter what type of personality is involved.

5. Gifts

Visual

“I see you love me” (receiving)

“I want you to see I love you” (giving)

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say “look, they remembered me.”  “They were thinking of me.”  We always hear the old reminder that it is the ‘thought that counts’ and this is absolutely true! This is not only about gifts that are bought – it could be simply a flower picked from the garden, or even shown in the visual way of dressing to please them, decorating in a way they like, keeping the place clean for them etc. (different from ‘service’ as it is about ‘showing’ them love in a visual way).

6. “Being There”

This one isn’t included in the book by Gary Chapman, but is one I have discovered and added to the list.

“You are here, therefore you love/like me” (receiving)

“I am here, therefore I love/like you” (giving)

Similar to ‘attention’, however where people are out of touch with their emotions, or are ‘low-emotives’ they may not show their love in many ways. Usually, however, they would rather be alone than in the company of somebody that they do not like!

There is a full live workshop available on Love Languages. It is also a part of most Relationship courses and retreats we offer.